Seeking..Me,myself !!!

I was wondering about what to write and how to start writing...I just forgot that I haven't seen the mirror from many days...Or else how could i forget myself/...I am the biggest issue i am facing now :D

Not pleasant but true!!! Sometimes i seriously think to bang my head some where to at least know what the hell is going in my life....But then i realized...."Koi Fayda nahi he!!"
Wondering about from where it all started, I gave a flash back thought of this year.........
May be it is because i went home and stayed there for some 6 to 7 months...Waste of time doing nothing in life...Grrrrr!!!! Or is it because my parents are all time discussing about getting me married??? Is it that my brothers who are too busy in their life? Or is it because of my friendship gone sour,or the trust which was broken Or is it my professional life which is more over like my personal life- "Iced" Or is it because he never thought about me in his life Or is it because people take me for granted Or is it that I do not get the respect that i expected to get. Whatever it is but it is SPOILED  :(

I stand in front of the mirror and  ask...Usually i will be alone at home so i can talk to myself easily ..Why is it so that nothing comes in a straight line....I know straight lines are not always right...But wondering why  things doesn't come as expected. Why ? Why ? why ? I know useless asking myself.

Facebook and Gmail are my new lifelines, Oh sorry Whatsapp too..(I even check my horoscope to know what my day is like) I talk to my fishies, Just me they don't respond back.. I repost the motivational and inspiring messages in Fb, but Somewhere down the lane i have realized that Its ME,...I am just taking all those tensions and worries which is unwanted,useless. I have stopped loving myself, and i wonder how will i love someone? May be it is because of that people leave me.
Every day it passes without anything much to do, not even studies go well. Every night i sleep with a hope that tomorrow it will all change and a new bright day with joy,happiness and love will come by me. I am still waiting for the clouds to clear and let the sun shine on me.
 But i am depressed so much that even if God comes to me...I wont recognize him.

I know i do not talk often about what i feel, how i feel, how disturbed i am, how i feel when you leave, how i weep day-night without any reason.. sometimes i just burst out and tell anything without thinking.....and sometimes i just keep quiet expecting you will understand me. My words fail me every time.

From all those that I have read, i think Self-Realization is the best cure to my problems. I am writing this to make me realize the issue which is bugging me so much...

U feel good,When there is a someone who tells i have expectations on you... I will be there with you... I believe you... I support you..I will wait for you...I love you..I can understand you..
I know i have to find solutions to this,myself. Finding out what went wrong will not help me,taking an effort to make good what is left out may help me.

I need to concentrate on things that make me happy. I need to go out with my friends often,I just love them.
I need to study,compulsorily.
I need to be more energetic,i need myself back.
I must have donuts from MOD,immediately.
I need to get an hair-cut, may b i will feel better ;)
I need to sleep at least 10 hours... I need my good old beautiful dreams back.
I know you are still here and you can understand me... As i told i really need to wipe out the clouds to see you clearly..
I need my good music
I just want to bring my smile back :)